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NASA Contacts Extraterrestrial Life, Sends Plea for Help

*DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A SATIRE ARTICLE*

On March 20, 2020, NASA reported the discovery of life on another planet, confirming our most fanciful speculations about our place in the universe. Kepler-425b, a celestial body 1.6 times the size of Earth, was found in 2015. Scientists found it to be in the habitable zone of its star, hypothesizing it could have water. 

This month, the Kennedy Space Center in Florida picked up signals originating from Kepler-425b. After spending weeks decoding the message, NASA uncovered a swath of writing about the complex society on the planet. Called Ero by its inhabitants, the planet has been home to humanoid creatures for millenia, but is soon doomed to a terrible fate.

Ero is in the beginning stages of a runaway greenhouse effect, where its surface water will boil away, leaving a harsh terrain without sustenance or shelter for life. The people of Ero have transmitted in hopes of someone remembering their world.

NASA scientists sent back a reply, which will hopefully reach the planet before its demise. Spokesperson Sam Andon read a transcript of the message, sending the reporters present into raucous laughter. “Hello people of Ero. We are from the planet Earth and we send our condolences for your situation. 

The documents you sent detail a beautiful society and quite honestly, we would greatly appreciate your help. Earth, while not doomed like Ero, is headed on a downward spiral, and you all seem to have more common sense than everyone here. If you have the time, could you send us some more information about your society, peace, prosperity, etc. because we suck at being good at all of these things.”

Humans (our species) are pretty awful at coexisting with each other and maybe some advice from a more advanced society may help set us straight. Like we’re under lockdown because of a virus that we can’t contain and we have resorted to teaching our cats how to bowl to keep ourselves sane. Thank you for your time and consideration.”

NASA has not yet received a response, but hopefully, we will soon have support from some new neighbors.

 

By Amira Pierotti

Categories: news, Satire

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