Satire

Houston Astros Banned for LIFE!

*DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A SATIRE ARTICLE*

The Houston Astros have finally been punished for their cheating scandal during their 2017 championship run. Many members of the baseball community have urged MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred to vacate the Astros’ 2017 World Series title, but Manfred decided to go a step further and vacate the entire TEAM. In case you were not aware of the Astros’ elaborate scheme, the team used the cameras in center field to steal the opposing team’s signs (for what pitch was coming next). Next, the signs would be relayed to the dugout and eventually the batter. During their playoff run, if the pitch was some sort of off-speed pitch, players in the dugout would signal to the batter by banging on a trash can. Players were also rumored to be wearing patches underneath their jerseys with the buzzers, but this was never proven. Players around the league are ecstatic, as they feel that justice has been served. The Los Angeles Dodgers are now the 2017 World Series Champs, however, there will always be an asterisk next to this record in the history books. All players from the 2017 Astros team have been banned from the league, and all coaches have also been banned. Players are likely to move overseas and play for baseball leagues in Japan, Korea, and México. The current Astros owner was forced to sell the team. The team was bought by Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos, who was actually raised in Houston. Bezos has been eager to relocate the team from Houston but awaits the MLB’s decision whether to move on with the relocation or keep the team in Houston. If the team does decide to move, there are plenty of cities interested in having a new MLB team. One of these cities is Newark, New Jersey. The state of New Jersey hosts games for many New York City teams but would like its own Baseball team. Las Vegas, a hotbed for baseball talent in the United States, would also like to add to the professional sports teams in the city. Vegas will be home to the Las Vegas Raiders in the NFL next year, and the Vegas Golden Knights are the NHL’s most recent addition. The city of Las Vegas has already said that whenever a team commits to moving to Vegas, the city will use taxpayer money to build a levitating stadium for the team. While this option may sound intriguing, Billionaire Bezos has other ambitious ideas. Bezos doesn’t want to have another international team, say in Montreal, Vancouver, or México City, but Bezos wants an intergalactic team. Reports say Bezos wants to relocate the Astros to the galaxy of Andromeda, only about 2.5 million light-years away. The Astros may literally play with Asteroids.

 

By Tanay Desai

Categories: Satire, Sports

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