*DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A SATIRE ARTICLE*
Stop me if you’ve heard this before: Andrew Yang has won the Democratic presidential nomination. You won’t stop me because it hasn’t ever happened before! Yang became the first asian-american to win the nomination. Yang’s plan to give $1000 per month clearly resonated with voters, as he won all of the states and territories (and even Democrats Abroad) to sweep all delegates and win the nomination. In fact, president Trump has secretly told aides and allies that he’s scared of going up against Yang, saying “he’s better than me, and he knows it too.” Yang, a longtime New York Entrepreneur, announced yesterday that he will be nominating Kamala Harris to be his running mate, saying “she brings valuable experience to the table to help someone who isn’t a career politician (me) make a run to the White House.” Yang also said that Harris “fully supports the idea of $1000 per month, because she knows how hard it is on some families, being from California.” Yang has also received support for his campaign promise of making ranked-choice voting a reality all across the country. Yang said “ranked-choice voting is something we all need to help Republicans get voted out of office.” Yang’s 3rd most important agenda item is the elimination of daylight savings time, saying “why do we switch clocks? This screws up our animals’ feeding times, the sunlight we get, and so much more. Enough is enough.” Yang has been leading by 40% in the polls, with it becoming clear that Yang will win the presidency in November.
By Nic Braico