JMM Spill the Tea Column

Co-Editor in Chief Beatrice Naujalyte: Our sources did not have any tea on Beatrice, other than the fact that she is killing the game. Like honestly, how can someone be so good at life?!

Co-Editor in Chief Garrett Kennedy: Some have reported that Garrett only turns in two articles per issue to the Sword and Shield. In fact, it is said that he did not contribute to any of the content in the February or March issue! The ones he does submit are often turned in late, without titles, and not in the proper format.

Sports Editor Rahima Osman: Many have reported that Rahima knows little about sports, and contributes the least to the Sports Section despite being one of the two sports editors. A few sources have questioned her participation in the Memorial athletic department!

Sports Editor Kari Larsen: Our sources have made it clear to us that Kari does not properly link her photos when laying out the paper in Adobe InDesign. This has brought complete and utter distress to our Layout Editor Lily Lowndes, and our Co-Editors in Chief (Beatrice and Garrett).

Student Life Editor Deney Li: A recent source disclosed that Deney has reviewed the JMM Plays and Musicals without having seen the shows. From the Fall Play to the Winter Musical, Deney has convinced the entire student body that she is a legitimate source!

Student Life Editor Amisha Talati: An anonymous student at Memorial has divulged that Amisha has not used the proper font when laying out the paper. Instead of Crimson text for the body of articles, she has used Montserrat Italic!

Arts and Entertainment Editor Claire Reid: It was recently made known to the journalists at the Sword and Shield that Claire has been accused of making up the Horoscopes for the Arts and Entertainment Section. That’s right! Each horoscope that Claire has written has been based on no astrological facts whatsoever!

Arts and Entertainment Editor Jassi Chahal: An administrator at JMM who chooses to remain anonymous reputed that Jassi has reviewed movies without giving a spoiler warning at the beginning of the article! Innocent movie-watchers have been terrorised by her careless actions.

News Editor Leah Vredenbregt: It has been rumored that Leah uses exclusively MSNBC and FOX News to fact check her sources. These politically shallow sources are directly influencing the Sword and Shield’s News!

Opinions Editor Maggie Di Sanza: A fellow Editor has disclosed that Maggie writes articles far over the word limit. For an article she wrote in the News Section in November, the paper was forced to print an extra three pages because of her inability to write in a concise manner!

Operations Manager Davis Hardy: Many Editors on the Sword and Shield team have complained about the fact that Davis never turns in the cover page drawing on time. In fact, it was said that he worked on it during layout!

Layout Editor Lily Lowndes: Lily has been accused of not attending planning meetings, and skipping all of the Sword and Shield layouts! She is vital to the team, why is she no longer attending?

Copy Editor Shruti Sathish: A few sources have reported that Shruti leaves all sorts of grammatical errors in the paper. Some have reported that she allows for comma splices, inaccurate semicolon usage, and even uncapitalized proper nouns!

By – By Maggie Di Sanza

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