Satire

The Disease That You Will Desire

With a new year, comes new diseases. While many of you may be thinking about the deadly Zika virus that is affecting infants across South America and the Caribbean, I will elaborate on a much more damaging epidemic: Senioritis.

While there are no vaccines for this disease, that may actually be a good thing.

For those of you who haven’t had the privilege of contracting Senioritis, here are the top eight ways to get it:

1. Visit East High School: This is a unique establishment where 98% of the students have Senioritis (probably an underestimate). As little as 15 minutes at the school would be enough exposure to contract the contagious disease.

2. Watch The Simpson’s everyday for 12-14 hours: According to a recent Cambridge study, watching television is a great method for reducing test performance (just one facet of Senioritis).

3. Make it a goal to consume at least 3 pounds of sugar per week (if not per day): This is another respected approach for lowering test performance.

4.  Make a concerted effort to sleep during your most important classes (In 4 steps).

  • Stuff a mattress in your backpack
  • Get a pass to go to the “bathroom.”
  • Bring your mattress laden backpack with you and unload the mattress in the hallway.
  • Wake up and repeat for the next class

5. Set your biological clock to Hawaii-Aleutian Time Zone.

6. Loiter in the Memorial parking lot from 7:00 AM to 5:00 PM everyday. The Professional Time Wasters Association (PTWA) has recently labeled loitering as “the most unproductive activity in the history of mankind.”

7. Try to fail study hall (quite possibly the hardest assignment on this list).

8. Make commitments you never plan to honor and be aggressively antisocial.

 

When you have successfully contracted Senioritis, it is best that you remain complacent and enjoy the side effects.

Yours truly,

Amol Rajesh, professional quack and/or Senioritis patient

Categories: Satire

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