“Mr. Rodriguez, Ms. Gerner, and Mr. Vander Ark can all tell you I’m no extraordinary writer. I write like I speak and if you ask any of my friends, that means you’re currently reading a collection of half-filtered ideas that take several turns before finally reaching a point. That being said, I don’t want to come off like that kid in your Chem-Com class that claims Citizen Kane is his favorite movie for the purpose of sounding like he has a distinguished taste. Let’s be honest, we all love Mean Girls, and I don‘t know anyone who honestly enjoys black coffee or wine tasting. I promise you that there won’t be any hint of pretension in my reviews; I’m trading that for teen angst- lots and lots of angst. Enjoy.
Prometheus 3 ½ Stars
It’s not for the squeamish or impatient but if you’re willing to spend 2 hours in constant wonder and fear, then you’re in for the summer’s smartest and most intriguing movie. Be prepared to ask more questions than receive answers. In other words, you’ll finally know what it’s like to still be obsessed with the mythology of “Lost.” Michael Fassbender is brilliant, as always, and there’s an “Alien” (wink).
Rock of Ages 2 ½ Stars
It’s like running into “that guy” who was once in your Spanish skit in line at the food court. English translation: It’s a little awkward and while you wish it would be over sooner, it was still fun for a little while.
Brave 3 Stars
You won’t be playing this one for your kids half as much as you’ll show them Finding Nemo or Up. It’s not memorable like the previously mentioned Pixar masterpieces but still… Sheesh, can you feel my enthusiasm?
Moonrise Kingdom 2 ½ Stars
Now, Mr. Vander Ark and everyone who loves Rushmore as much as I do, before you send me a strongly worded letter written on an Earth-toned piece of paper sent with a Benjamin Britten CD (look it up), I want you to know that I tried to like the movie. Yes, it was charming, touching, and humorous, but it felt like it was by someone imitating Wes Anderson rather than truly serving as his next great work.
To Rome with Love 3 Stars
It’s an organized mess of always-funny one-liners and certainly no Allen breakthrough, but on the bright side, we’ll always have Paris (and Annie Hall, and Bananas, and Cairo, and Broadway and Mighty Aphrodite, and Match Point, and Barcelona, etc.) Hey Film Studies teachers, why don’t we bring Woody Allen back to the curriculum?
Beasts of the Southern Wild 2 Stars
Dear Fox Searchlight Pictures (the film’s distributor), I remember a certain Levi Jeans TV commercial with a narration about pioneering that played while a group of teenagers ran through the woods at night with fireworks. It didn’t make sense, nor was it interesting. So I ask you, why did you feel the need to produce that idea into a feature length film? What was the film’s point and why the hell were there mythical aurochs in the movie?
Utterly disappointed and feeling out of the loop,
Magic Mike 3 ½ Stars
Maybe it’s the script, maybe it’s the cinematography, maybe it’s Soderbergh’s direction, maybe it’s Alex Pettyfer’s truly great performance, or maybe it’s the abs, but this was a well-executed drama that just happens to be marketed as a movie about male strippers.
The Dark Knight Rises 3 Stars
It was okay.
Article by Jack Feria